Tissues, Gummy Bears and Handcuffs

I'm at the parents house again. I have to babysit my sister and ...my sister. I took josie for a walk with my sister. After I made them breakfast. My sister thought it would be grand to lock herself out of the house. I had to go to my apartment and get a hanger and a knife if pry the door open. I thought that was a skill that I had to learn and leave in the city. I guess not. So whats going on? I don't know. I don't feel good at all. I feel scared. You should know why reader. I feel just incomplete. I on't know. It's hard to explain. I might go for a walk to the store today to get more. I'm hungry. I feel like doing it...you know..it....suicide? not sex. I've had enough of sex for now...yea suicide, please and thankyou.

I'm actually not in my apartment at the moment. Since I didn't get a laptop for christmas, and there wasnt enough room for my desktop in the car, I couldn't bring my desktop. Fuck desktops. So anyway, My mom made turkey I'm going to eat here maybe play some wii, then go back to my apartment to watch some tv. I slept for most of the day, My mother woke me up around 8:40 to go to the damn wal-mart. Usually in NJ we go early to avoid crowds. Now that were in NY, we dont have to do that because it's never crowded.... theres so many stores in a 30 mile radius that no one store is ever crowded, yea. speaking of stores, I feel like going to the walgreens at the corner to buy a lot of sleeping aides. Because I have my own bathroom cabinet to keep them it, and I have the choice to take them all, or to horde them. Hmm Suicide or death? IDK, I feel the stress settling in from waiting for my school grades that I just might do it, so I don't have to see me fail, who knows, I'll debate on that now...It's like that? Yeah it's like that.

Ello reader, what be up? It's 11:30 or so. My room is still a mess, and I'm still not packed. Surprising? Well it shouldn't be. I don't feel like writing a lot. So I'm going to make this short and sweet. I didn't get anything I asked for, for christmas, my mom pissed me off ALOT today, to the point where I was homicidal, because of a fucking sweater, I love my best friend more than anyone could know. She made me cry so much because of a card she gave me. I'mextremely tired, I gave up on cleaning I just need to pack. I'll write when I get to Amherst tomorrow, I just dont have it in me to keep writing now..

Yea. It's christmas eve. I'm on my spoiled sister laptop, my moms knocked out on the couch in front of me, my sister and stepdad are somewhere, and our newest edition, our new baby beagle Josie is...or was in her bed. I'm not sure where she is, maybe peeing somewhere, haha. ok but lets get down to business, what I really came here to talk about. School is finally over, and I'm extremely nervous and just praying for C's. If i get C's I will be extremely thankful. Tomorrow is christmas. I already know what my "big" present is. It's a new flat screen TV for my apartment in Amherst. The apartment in which my mother forgot to get the damn utilities turned on..it takes a week and I leave on the 26th. Greatt mom, thanks a bunch! Eh maybe it was my fault for texting her and not calling her? Oh well, I'll be frozen for 3 or 4 days. I'm coming back down here for New Years Eve only, then going right back up and staying until school starts down here which is the 25th of January. OK...that wasnt my real reason for writing either! Ok the real reason is because my best friend just left here not too long ago. We did what we usually do. Exchange our gift on the eve. She gave me a beautiful necklace and a pillow she made herself. The pillow is perfect. Since it's purple it's going in the study. If She were moving with me, that would be her room, so I decided to keep her spirit alive and make that color scheme of the room to be her favorite color = purple. The pillow is a beautiful two tone pillow, one side purple, one side black, I will be sleeping with it tonight.I absolutely love how she picked the perfect thing to make, something so simple, lets so complex and perfect for me. I love her for it. So what did I get her? The usually bracelet and T shirt Combo with the always "special" gift. I know my best friend. She likes books. So why not give her a book? Not just any book. A book no one else would have. I used a self publishing website and creating a book for her and about her completely from scratch using only microsoft paint and microsoft word. When I got the finished product I was afraid to open it. I was afraid the formatting would be wrong, or something else like that. But when I pulled it out of the box and unwrapped the plastic. There laid this beautiful black book. I titled the book "What a weird and strange it's been" Overall I'm not extremely happy with my graphic design work, but I felt after 30 hours of editing, and re-editing that it was finally "somewhat acceptable" for my best friend. I don't know. She seemed to like it. I really hope she did. I felt it was the least I could do with everything I put her through this year. The overdoses, the mental hospital, only two of the things we had to deal with. I don't know. I feel like theres some kind of insatiable debt to her that I just cannot pay off. No matter how much I hug her, or tell her ai love her, I feel she'll never truly now how much I love her, I would only hope that the book would give her an inkling. Well reading it's 10 PM, I'm on an hour of sleep, and since you know my little sister is spoiled, you could only imagine that she is one of those annoying brats who wakes everyone up at the ass crack of dawn to watch her open her presents. Yep thats how it be. I'm going to turn in, I'll write later talking about all the shit I wanted, and DID NOT get.. like usual :) night .

Eliza is a computer! lol Ok so I just got back from my lab final from anatomy, and like I expected, I did well. A far cry from my status a week ago. I left in the middle of the review because I felt I couldn't handle it or college anymore. Now a week later, after hard studying and some positive thinking, I did it. Me positive? Yeah right! ... No really yeah right! I swear to you that I was thinking positively all week. I knew I was going to do good on the practical, I know I'm going to be ok in pysch and I know that I am going to pass my calc final. I know I'm smart I know I can do this. I'm going to try so hard to just remember this week. Especially for next semester which is going to be ugly but I know I can do it. So now here I am playing with Eliza, feeling pretty hungry, thinking about a story to write for creative writing, trying to find the book speak for tomorrow, doing math homework, looking for a car, writing a chirstmas list, because out of all the things i bought in regards to my christmas shopping it was all for my best friend. I need to get cracking on that, lol so basically everything is chill, everything is good, I get my new baby sister on saturday at 8 am, Josie! A beautiful beagle puppy! I need to buy her a christmas present! and I'm going back to my home over the weekend, so yea, staying positive, looking forward to stuff, and yea, I'm ok.....for now...

About a year ago I took a drive on route 9 as the sun was setting. As I drove on I saw dozens of christmas lights and displays on businesses and resedential lawns. My plan was to crash my car, despite my destination, home, for the annual christmas tree decorating night. Complete with music, and christmas movie, lots of sweet and of course the tree. On the radio played a mix or nirvana and red hot chili peppers. The heat was on, the defroster was on. The opposing lights from the other cars were bright and stood out in the night. I don't know where I'm going with this story. Funny how things change drastically in a year. A year ago I had my mother to go and talk to whenever I felt suicidal, she didnt know I felt that way but she was unkonwingly cheering me up. I had the car, I felt the freedom of the road. Something that took my mind off of things sometimes. I was never alone in this house. I would pray for a time alone in the house. Quite frankly my prayers have been recieved. Here I am a year later. Same emoitional feelings and the worst possible enviornment to be in for anyone in my condition. Well. Welcome to my world. It's 10:53 pm. I haven't spoken since 4:30 pm. I've gone longer without talking. I bought My best friends present today. It cost more than I thought it would but whatver, it was worth it. I spent over 30 hours on it so I hope she likes it. I feel really sick. Like physically. It hurts to talk and breathe. I'm coughing constantly and I feel drugged. I've been laying in my bed in the dark since 5pm listening to a new playlist playing solitaire on my phone and checkers on my zune. I've been contemplating all day. Whether or not I should be living. I realize now that it truly is in my hands and I have no one to stop me anymore, or though thats what it seems. I don't know what it is about the holiday season that makes me want to do it more. I mean I really just wanted to finish my best friends present. I ordered it and it should be here in 10 days. My chest is heavy. Its the cold or whatever i have along with anxiety. Today I could think of nothing else but things that happened around a year ago. I'm crying now. why? because of a couple of things. I'm missing the way it was a year ago. I miss my car. I miss my freedom, I miss my friendship with my best friend. It's changed since then. and not that it's bad now, but I just miss the way it was. Before I fucked things up, before I made one too many threats. I'm just longing for the prior times in my life. I want the time where I saw my dad regularly. I want the time where I got straight A's in school, I want the time where I didn't know what a panic attack was, I want a time where I actually wanted to live to see the next day. Where did it all go? Have I become that much of a suicidal fuckup that I caused all things things to dissappear? See this reader, this right here is why I am the angriest. Because my life is fucked up and I have no one to blame but myself. I have no more hope and that is my fault, I have no will to live and that is my fault. I feel like throwing up, or cutting or something. I feel like there is posion in my body. Like theres bad blood and I need to get it out. I think I'm in the stage where all I can do is cry because I hate my life, I cant do anything to fix what I fucked up, and I have no one to blame but myself. Merry Fucking Christmas. x

My throat is sore
My mind is gone
I wont be here anymore
Times up before dawn

My mind is gone
I'm buried in the sheets
Times up before dawn
No more heart beats

I'm buried in the sheets
No one can save me now
No more heart beats
I couldnt keep this vow

No one can save me now
My bed is a crimson sea
I couldnt keep this vow
The blood is running out of me

My bed is a crimson sea
There is no note this time
The blood is running out of me
I can hear the bells chime

There is no note this time
As I decide to leave you all
I can hear the bells chime
No one realized how hard I'd fall

As I decide to leave you all
Shame is written on my face
No one realized how hard I'd fall
I am a disgrace

Shame is written on my face
My throst is sore
I am a disgrace
I wont be here anymore

It's been nearly 24 hours since I took 5 codine caps.

I'm not dead

Why am I not dead?

I have 18 more

My stomach just stopped hurting

My mind feels like it is at some sort of terminus with my responsiblity.

I never gained it back after thanksgiving

well

here I am

I have a choice of taking more

even though i'm still feeling last nights batch

I dont know

what do you think?

I closed the door quietly and began to walk away. Tears filled my eyes quickly. I tried to hold back but I couldn't. I just failed my math test. I already had a low C. Who Knows how this will affect my grade. i only have one test left and it's worth 150 Points. That's about a third of my final grade. Fabulous. just fabulous. It seems like my life is just a major train wreck that crashes constantly and repeatedly for about eleven years now. Every since that summer before second grade, everything went downhill. Between the weight gain, the birth of my little sister, and the divorce between my parents, my life has been a living hell since.

I walked outside the Russ building and to my surprise it was raining. I welcome the rain because when I walk in it no one can tell i'm crying. Since I cry a lot it's a nice change to not have to explain myself. I hate that question, those two words. We've all heard it, we've all been asked it, and we've all asked it. "What's wrong?" I've heard these two words so many times that I just expect it now. I'm either always crying or have a "I hate the world" look on my face. the cool rain feels nice on my dry skin. I opened the doors to the student center and to my surprise it was warm. I entered the cafeteria and sat at the counter. This was not a part of my usual routine. I usually look for my best friend immediately after math class. Today was a day that might contribute to my being exposed for what I really am. I have a theory about my future. you see, I am going to school to eventually become a pharmacist. At first I thought it was extremely attainable, but after getting C's in basically all of my general education classes I soon realized that I was not good enough. No pharmacy school would accept me with those grades. Everyone assumes that just because I say I'm going to school to become a pharmacist i have exceptional grades and a great work ethic. The bare truth is that I don't. I don't have good grades. I don't have honor roll. I am just a lazy, fat, slob posing to be some great academic scholar. I was stressed out so I began to write.

"I feel like I'm in over my head" I wrote. I paused and looked at the sentence. It was screaming it's context back at me. I needed to drown out the screaming so I took out my Zune and put on my "Anger" playlist. Despite the name anger, it wasn't all "angry" music/ I had a song by disney pop princess, Demi Lovato, one of the most calmest songs out there, Under the Bridge, along with some selections by system of a down. The night before I was laying in my bed listening to the radio on my zune, while searching through the stations I stopped on a christian channel. A song was just starting. I just like the sound of the first few chords, so I kept listening. The song was called "face of Christ" by an artist named Chris Rice. This song was now on my "anger" playlist. I had a theory of balancing out playlist. I looked at the paper and began to write how I wasn't good enough. Before i could finish writing the sentence my best friend came out of nowhere with a bagel in hand. She said something but it was drowned out by my headphones. I covered the paper, turned the page and began drawing a picture of what seemed to be an octopus at the tim. I started free drawing and playing with the lines just to keep my mind busy while my best friend was there. Whenever she is around I get extremely vulnerable and start to cry if something is wrong. We had an anatomy class right after I had my math class. Since I had a test, I got out earlier then usually. The picture's accurate depiction took a turn for the worse. I could no longer make out what it was. An octopus? An angel? A mystical creature? No one would ever know.

My best friend suddenly tapped me. I didn't look at her right away. I knew she was tapping me to get me to go0 to anatomy class. I had already decided I was not going because I know I failed my math test. So I figured why go be a failure in anatomy class. I was already behind as is. I realized not going would make that worse but at that moment I didn't care anymore. I shrugged my shoulders as a response to her. I watched her get up and leave the cafeteria. I turned the page and began to write again. I wanted to write about me successfully committing suicide. Unlike the other times in my life where i tried and failed. My favorite way to try was the "pill-popping" method. I grew fond of diphenhydramine gel caps when I was in my freshman year of college. At first I took them for recreation. Maybe two or three at most, just to fall asleep and feel "heavy" for a little while. Then I started flirting with disaster. I bumped up the amount of pills I ingested each time. I believe I got to thirteen before I stopped. I can't remember why i stopped. I think it was because of the car accident I was in. No car meant no way to get to a drugstore.

Before I started writing I went to actually get some food. I got my usual chicken strips, fries and pepsi. 6.75 compliments of my mother. Every since the accident I had no way of getting to work. I turned my zune to "under the bridge". The song I listened to on my route 9 drives. My route 9 drives were so fun. My friends and I would basically drive straight up the entire route 9 north. We'd stop at the Wawa on route 9 in Manahawkin, get sandwiches, candy and energy drinks and just have an adventure. Route 9 drives is something I miss so much about my car. My car, out of all of my friends, was the road trip car, just because I loved the sense of adventure and not knowing where I would end up or what I would see. But those days are over now. Now I had to car pool to school. All I saw was my campus, my house and occasionally my best friends house. It was torture. Going from midnight drives frequently to being stuck at home every weekend was a big change. And at that time I still didn't adjust. From time to time I'd look out my bedroom window that was over my driveway, and I'd expect to see my silver bullet. My beautiful car with the broken fog light and the dirty trunk, but as of September 16th, 2009, I would never see my "baby" again. I began to write...



"I have a plan. It will work if I just go through with it and stop being a pussy about it. Step one: Convince someone to take me to a store, one that sells sleep aid. Step two Have a "fake" item in mind because someone might ask what I need from the store. Step three: ensure the person that I can go in the store alone. Step Four: Act normal when getting back in the car. Step five: Get home and take the whole bottle. Step six: lay in the dark and wait to go to sleep."

Ironically as I was writing the story Chris Rice came on. The verses in this song, the music sounded like some song I liked when i was a kid. So it reminded me of my childhood. All the times I enjoyed my life. Mainly the holidays and my birthday. I was given presents so i was reminded that I was loved. Unlike how I felt. I felt ugly, alone and like I shouldn't exist. as I looked back on my thoughts, I realized how deep and mature my thoughts as a child was. I started to tear upon this realization. I replayed the song. The was such a delicate strum of the guitar that I tried to find some sort of delicate, vulnerable feeling to comfort me. Not to my surprise, I couldn't find one. I just felt empty and hollow. It was at this point when I realized how loud the music was on my ears. The notes of the song bled through my head phones, entered my ear canals and swam into my body. I could feel the beat pulsating but nothing else. I stared at the composition book in front of me and I began to drift away. in the middle of that crowded, noisy cafeteria, and for the first time that day I felt nothing.

"Under the bridge" came back on. It was halfway through the song before I realized it was on. I readjusted myself on the chair and looked at my phone for the time. 4:15 pm. 30 mins until my best friend comes back. I thought I should continue writing my story, and that I did.

"I closed the car door behind me with my schoolbag in hand. My keys were at the bottom of the bag as usual. I opened the door to my house and it was silent. My cousin was at work, my brother was in his room and my sister was at her fathers house. This was the usual setting for my house. Nice, quiet, empty. I enjoyed this because it made me feel alone, and feeling alone gave me more of an incentive to try and commit suicide. I always made myself some egg sandwiches before anything else. I go upstairs to my disaster of a room. I haven't cleaned it since I decorated it and let the kids play in it over thanksgiving break. I go to my computer. My best friend is logged on as usual. My boyfriend was on but mobile as usual"

I looked up from my writing and expected my boyfriend to be behind me. Unfortunately he wasn't. I don't see him enough. He always has shit to do either for work or at the firehouse. I hadn't been talking to him a lot lately either. That bothered me. I liked him a lot but i felt that he didnt care about me like I did him. I felt he only wanted me for sex. I remember asking him what his intentions were and he swore out it wasn't for sex. So I couldnt do anythign else but believe him. I missed th way he held me in his arms and the way he kissed me. I wanted to finish the story before I started crying again.

"I thought up a poem, one that was darker than my usual. I looked at my aim away messages and statuses as being warning shots for everyone. I'd think it was respectful to warn people that I might not be alive the next day. I made the poem into my away message. I started my move my furniture in my room to clean it back up. I walked into my bathroom and closed the door"

Another poke. My best friend was behind me she was done with her class. I packed up my things and followed her to her car. It was still raining, now only dark. We were silent on the way home. When we arrived to my house we agreed on how pretty the Christmas lights on the house looked. This reminded me of a suicide attempt I had a year ago. My frist one with the pills. It was a rainy light just like this. Only thing was I didnt go to the store to get any pills. but I did have the medication that I've been hoarding.Before I got out of her car I asked my best friend one question.

"You know I love you right?"

I have taken a vow to remain silent
to longer tell anyone the truth
it be much easier on everyone
if they dont know the truth

No more anger, suicide missions
or elaborate drawns out plans
No more decieving, no more struggling
I'll keep as quiet as I can

Why? you might be asking
well why not?,
I'm tired of you all
dealing with me

So when worse comes to worse
I'll keep the pain
and misfourtunate
inside of me

I've made up my mind
it will happen in time
oh what a happy world this
has turned out to be.

Write poetry non stop. at first it was for class, but then it was a good release.

you know i honestly dont have anything else to say

if you read my recent poems you can get the gist of what im feeling so here you go..

Weight Problem

Living Problem

Fatty is on the playground
Fatty has no friends
Fatty wishes she were skinny
But that's all make pretend

Fatty has a crush
She spills her secrets at lunch
Her crush calls her fat
Fatty throws a punch

Fattys on the bus last
Theres no where to sit
Fatty starts to cry
Everyone laughs, their faces are lit

Fatty goes home
Cries sugar filled tears
Fatty's had this problem
For a few years

Fatty's all alone
No one else is around
Fatty hides in the closet
She cannot be found

Several years later
Fatty's still her name
She closes her eyes and cries
She gets treated the same

Fatty's grown up
And she has learned some ways
To battle the hatred
Shell end it on one of these days

Fatty shuts her mouth
No more food
Now shes slowing losing it
Now she changes her mood

Fatty is dizzy
Fatty cant stand
Fatty's dying
Better save her while you can

But Fatty is still Fatty
So no one cares
Step into her coffin
Only if you dare

Scratching at the walls
as the roof is caving in
That torture has yet to begin

No matter how many poems I write
I cant get my point across
Me dying is the cost

I cant put it into words
How I really feel
But yet again, on my mouth, there is a seal

I want to shake you
so that you will see
Whats really happening to me

I'm breaking, I'm shattering
I've lost all control
I've lost all feeling, I've lost my soul

You say you understand
Bullshit, No you don't
I wont stand for this, I wont

You will never understand
No matter how much I yell
Ill just be left here, I'l bid you well

I wonder if you care
As I scream and shout
I wonder if youre aware that i've begin to
Coma out.

The twinkle in your eye
Much to my surprise
Never dies out
or fades away
The twinkle in your eye
reminds me of the sky
so filled with lovely stars
seemingly from wherever you are
The twinkle in your eye
watches me as I lie
Across from you
As I stare into those pools
That are your eyes
There goes the sunrise
Much to my surprise
I've made it through the night
Because of the light
That is
The twinkle in your eye

I am your rag doll, laying lifeless on your floor
I lay still in hopes that you will be gentle
You hurt me all through the night
You leave me with nothing to say
Whatever your doing
Don’t hurt me anymore

I don't want to do this anymore
Theres blood on the floor
Left over from your doing
You lay me down, so hard yet so gentle
I want to speak, but I don't know what to say
You'll come back in the dead of the night

Day has turned into night
I don't pray anymore
God has nothing to say
He just watches as I fall to the floor
I used to look so gentle
I am not the same girl anymore

I know what he plans on doing
On this cold December night
He says he'll be gentle
He won't be rough anymore
This time we're not on the floor
"Thank you" I say

There are a few things I want to say
About what he has been doing
Every time I try to speak, my stomach hits the floor
Time is running out, soon it will be night
I'm not sure if I can take it anymore
He touches my hand, it feels so gentle

This feeling that is gentle
Is a lie, "Stop" I say
He covers my mouth, I can't speak anymore
He throws me down. I know what he's doing
Theres no time to brace myself, day has turned into night
I'm already on the floor

He continues all through the night, there is nothing I can say
The blood is on the floor from his doing, I am not here anymore

Look at her lying here
She is lifeless on the ground
She is no longer here
She’ll corrode until she’s found

She is lifeless on the ground
She has been defeated
She’ll corrode until she’s found
This is how you will be greeted

She has been defeated
Her insides are now out
This is how you will be greeted
When you see her, you will shout

Her insides are now out
Look at her lying here
When you see her, you will shout
She is no longer here

Ailing, is my heart, when that fucking song
Booms through my ears, It
Causes me to cry uncontrollably
Daring me to scream
Every fucking time it play through my ears
Finally it softens
Go back in time
Hear her family crying
I can feel her now
Just breathe, I say, Be a joke, I say
Kindly, I accept the news
Lights from the candles all blow out
Many gaze at her face, on the display
Never knowing that it would be her last day
Overall silence in this church tonight
Poor girl, wasnt given a chance to put up a fight
Quiet, still remains in this room
"Really Happening?" I say to myself
Saddened, mother, father and two children
Take a moment to gaze upon what they have lost
Utterly speechless
Vow to remain silent
Weeping continues
"X" across your lips
you known now what had happen
Zealous looks from everyone

How could I?
Think of committing it?
When I still cry
when that candle is lit?

Think of committing it
Is something I do
When that candle is lit
yeah, it's true

Is something I do
so terribyl wrong?
Yeah, it's true
I still play that song

So terribly wrong
Is my life
I still play that song
Even with all my strife

Is my life
So meaningless, that this is the only viable option?
Even with all my strife
I have some recollection

So meaningless, that this is the only viable option?
How could I?
I have some recollectiong
When i still cry.

Beat me down
Make me blue
No marks to be found
How coudl you?

Make me blue
inflict more pain
how could you?
What do you plan to gain?

Inflict more pain
take your anger out on me
what do you plan to gain?
as you hit viciously

Take your anger out on me
What are you trying to prove?
As you hit viciously
youre starting to make a groove

What are you trying to prove?
Youre a man?
Youre starting to make a groove
Be proud while you can

Youre a man?
Beat me down
Be proud while you can
No marks to be found.

I've began my festivities for tonight
I've purchased these blue pills

I swallow them one by one
My body will get aquainted with this pills

Feel them disintergrate
your body is numb because of the pills

You slur your speech, and your texts
Your friends are onto you, they want your pills

You start to panic, you run away
Pocket full of little pills

you take the remainder, your body grows heavy
Your body is filled with pills

You wonder why you planned a future
Ironically working with pills

You kiss them goodbye, because it kills
When you overdose on pills

This poem is for my best friend
she deserves it, she really does
For being there for me when things got tough
For helping me along the way
for keeping me alive
for making me smile when no one else could

I wish i could
Bring her along, put her in a jar labeled "Best Friend"
Of course then she wouldnt be alive
Everything she does
intrigues me in a way
Boy, this is gonna be tough

"Tough"
She says. "Get over it", Well if only i could
How can I be with you, with 500 miles in the way?
I love her, I need my best friend
A cardboard cut out does
Nothing for me, It's not alive

Alive, why am I?
Why is life so fucking tough?
It rolls me, yes it does
If I Could
Live in a bubble, no, I couldnt see my best friend
Why is this happening this way?

Soon I will be on my way
To Amherst, where I feel alive
No best friend
to run to, I think "Tough"
I wish I could
Think how she does

I want to do what she does
find a way
to see that this could
Be a great way to stay alive
Be tough
Like my best friend

I dont want to leave my best friend, she makes me happy, yes she does
This decision is tough, Can't there be another way?
Why do I have to sacrifice, If I want to be alive? I'm bringing my best friend, yea, only if i could

Today is the day I feel guilty
About everything that I've done
The taste of my tears are salty
I never meant to hurt anyone

About everything I've done
is idiotic and stupid
I never meant to hurt anyone
These feelings are lucid

Is idiotic and stupid
All I'll ever be?
These feeling are lucid
I dont want to deal with me

All I'll ever be
Is an indvidual who is depressed
I dont want to deal with me
I can't help but feel stressed

Is an individual who is depressed
Just hopeless and so far gone?
I can't help but feel stressed
Somebody turn the light on

Just hopeless and so far gone
Today is the day I feel guilty
Somebody turn the light on
The taste of my tears are salty

Sparkling lights
crazy nights
out on the town
Manhattan Bound

The trains from under
rise to the surface
the overcrowded train
is there for a purpose

Memories from a dark childhood
written on my bare arms
slash across in style
they are my lucky chamrs

A church turned into a nightclub
the ultimate sin
Let's go to Limelight tonight
Lets make this party begin

Up in the morning
lost my metro card
stand in line at the station
tourists think the machine is hard

city is in your veins
once youre here youll
want to stay, but you
cant, get out, city is my veins

The museum of sex
the bookstore that helps aids
on the sidewalk
there is a barricade

The twinkle in your eye
is one of many lights
that make up the city
on this hot summers night

Awake from bead
theres a pounding in your head
look out the window, see the cause
That city made you break, under-age drinking laws

From up here on the empire state
you can see this island that you love to hate

for miles and miles
he walks with his child
they stop at broadway
to the arcade to play

Simple memories
of the way it used to be
those towers standing tall
is just memory

Shall I never forget
about my city
my city
is the best yet..

I remember being so angry at myself, being so upset. There was something wrong with the brake fluid the day before. I was angry because I was me. I was angry because I couldnt change this. My disorder. My Angry-sad, depressive bipolar disorder. in other words, Bipolar 2. I was upset. I got in the car I began to drive to best friend number 1's, she called me, probably to see where I was. I ignored the call, I was turning down her street, I got to her house, she got in the car, there wasnt much words exchanged. I was angry, I was furious. I sped down the street around the corner, driving recklessly was a speciality, done it so many times, and ended up fine. My goal was the campus, there was a white truck in front of us, going so fucking slow. My anger didnt have the patience to deal with this fuckers speed, so 45 i went around, since he got in the shoulder. "Oh cool" I thought "He's letting me pass" I thought. so I go to pass, now were side by side, I see the big white truck, from the side of my eyes, my first thought is "where are you going?" I see the big truck coming towards my car, I think "oh my god, best friend number 1" I hear her scream "shit" as she covers her eyes, I slam my foot on the brake, as i look down at the brake I remember how it was fucking up the day before, and how it couldnt save me from this now. I hear glass breaking, my face meets the steering wheel, my seatbelt chokes me, my breath is gone, I take a quick glance at best friend number 1, I see her moving, then everything goes blurry, then it's lights out. Now I'm in a dream. I'm in a white room, I can see me in the car, I'm looking down on it..."I'm not dead..am i?" I think. If so, woo hoo. I hover over to my car, look at the damage, everythings blurry. I dont understand why this happened. I can hear best friend number 1, she's calling my name, shes telling me to stay with her, "I'm alive, I'm fine!" I try to yell. but nothings happening. nothings coming out, nothings moving, my body is dead. She left me i'm alone, theres nothing but black. I feel the wind brushing against me, as if it were hands throughly examining me, it gave a sensation as if I were falling, deep into hell. My eyes were hot, as if the sun were in them. I hear voices, shouting hello. I figured this is the people in heaven or hell, wondering if i'm there to stay. I feel things hit my chest, I feel things squeeze my body, I still feel wind. I open my mouth wide, there air flows inside. theres a snake on my arm. It's constricting it. Squeezing it tight until it pops. at that moment, I hear engines, I feel cold, I feel stuck. I open my eyes. Theres best friend number 1 and her mom. "what the fuck?" I think, "Where am I, What happened?" I think. I look to my sides, everything is blurry. My glasses are no longer on. People in white are surrounding me, someones taking my blood pressure, someones giving me oxygen. it's making me high. What just happened...what just happened?....


and nearly two months later, everything is still so vivid, I have nothing, I am nothing, why did i wake up...oh god...why did I wake up?

I miss the way you held me
I miss how it felt when I turned you on
I miss how we would "go the distance"
but now you're gone

I miss the sounds you used to make
I miss the scent of you too
I miss how i'd ride you
I miss your body too

I miss all the games we'd play
I miss all the activities too
I miss when we'd do it with our friends
but now everythings gone askew

I miss the way you'd sing to me
I miss the way you'd light up
I miss the way you moved
I miss the way you'd cheer me up

So I guess I have one thing to say
after everthing that happened
I'm sorry baby, I should have treated you better
I wish it never happened

you can take me out of my city
but you cant take it out of me
It's something I hold dear
I love my city

my city is the best
nothing like yours
my city keeps me up all night
i love my city

either up on 110th
or down in the piers
my city is so beautiful
i love my city

the strange characters
the familiar faces
the museum of sex
i love my city

sunsets at the battery
the smell of the train underneath you
even the dogs and nuts
i love my city

As im resting my head
in my down comforter
i think to myself
I love my city

*alarm clock from phone goes off*

*turns alarm clock off*

It's dark. The black light blocking curtains i brought work really good. My bed is warm from my body heat. I look around the room, in its darkness. It's quiet. It's peaceful. Yet I can't see anything. Soft music comes from my Zune pod player.

*Puts Stars on*

*Gets out of bed, walks to the window, opens the curtains*

It's beuatiful outside. The earth is covered with a tranquil white snow. My window from my bedroom faces the old neighbors house and the street from the side. The snow covered trees add to the beauty. It's a little chilly in the house though.

*Walks to the living room, turns to the wall, turns the heat up*

I can hear the heat starting.

*Goes to the kitchen, gets a bottle of arizona iced tea out of the fridge, walks back to the bedroom and sits up in bed.*

"I can't believe I did it, I can't believe I have this, I can't believe I moved.

Staring at the blank walls, feeling the excitement of having a blank canvas. Things couldn't be more perfect now could it?

*Sits in awe*

My computer is going off in the next room

*gets up and cuts straight into the study, sits at the computer*

It's pyro. shes one to randomly im you early in the morning go her.

*I chat. Go into the bedroom, walk into the closet*

Theres a package on the floor, one from amazon. Shower curtains. Yes I am one to buy shower curtains online. Theyre beautiful. Theyre black with circles on the top. It was that or the jolly roger one. I figured that best friend number 1 wouldve loved that, but they didnt fit in with the rest of the house though...shell love the hallway though.

*walk to the bathroom, put the shower curtains on, take a shower, go downstairs*

Mom is cooking breakfast for us, since beau is never home anyway. She claims how she is excited I am here, how I will love it here and how much she misses me. I miss her food I think.

*eat and talk with her, go back upstairs, get dressed, leave the house and go to the driveway*

I love my new car, I am thankful for it

*Get in, go to ecc, sherwin williams and tim hortons, come back home*

I'm registered at school, classes start in a month.

*Go in the house, give mom her capp. go upstairs, paint cans in hand, go to the lounge, turn on the stereo, a mix of stars, nirvana and others play.

Looking at the wall and looking in the empty apartment i look around smile and whisper

I'm home

she awoke feeling heavy, spaced out and out of it. It seemed as time was truly standing still. Head pounding from over sleeping, stomach growling from starvation, skin smooth and soft and delicate from being protected by the blanket she once laid under. The TV on, playing the DVD menu of her selected movie of choice over and over. Check the phone.. no text messages..typical. Check her myspace, a few notifications. nothing special. Go to the bathroom, relase urine. Pause in the hall. Dim lights come from downstairs and moms room across the hall. Silence. She is alone. Whats should she do? She found some sleep aid while cleaning her room. She always cleaned her room in times like these. She wants to leave her room clean so that if she passes she won
t leave too many surprises around. Hidden are some things that are important to her. Momentos from her best friends at most. Check the Aim. Best friends online, leave her alone, dont bother her with your problems. So now what. Again your at a void. No one home to stop you, no one checking on you because they dont understand why your so distant. Boyfriend texts you... you ignore. You dont think his sexual texts are cute right now. Look around your room. It's so clean. Not a trace of the pain. Open your closet, clean, fresh clothes. Shoes organized. What do you do now? I guess only one thing left to do. Welcome to the typical night of my being 13. Welcome to the pain and destruction...

Fuck you reader, you dont deserve a fucking blog, who the fuck are you? I dont care about you, Im done caring..

fuck you

fuck driving

fuck life

fuck living

fuck everything in this whole fucking world

oh and again..fuck you.

Il pleut, il pleut,
Je pleure, je pleure,

Il pleut, il pleut,
Je pleure, je pleure,

J'ai peur que je vais roullier ce soir

Il pleut, il pleut,
Je pleure, je pleure,

Il pleut, il pleut,
Je pleure, je pleure,

J'ai peur que mon temps soit expiree,
J'espere que vous viendrez me secher
J'espere que vous pouvez me reperer
J'ai peur que je vais roullier ce soir
Mon coeur,
Changera de l'acier a la poussiere

Sorry I had to, I love this song..

anyway

whats going on?

I don't know, I feel empty and alone right now, even though I'm not. This week I got reminded by so many things, about things I dont want to think about ...but can I help it? Now, now I cant. So what now? My room is dirty, I should clean, or I could get some shit done for my move
? I don't know. I had plans to right some long detailed blog about whats going on, but I just dont feel like it anymore, so suck it.

Yea I do I have a big Decision to make. I have the perfect opp. to move to buffalo. Great pharmacy program, my own apartment, plenty of shit to do, and canada, what more could I ask for? I get the city of which I always longed for, the serenity of a suburb, what more could I want? But why...why do I have to leave everyone I care about? Just to have that? How can you expect me to be w/o best friend number 1? How? I love that bitch, more than anything, and she knows it...how could I do this? Why couldnt it have been somewhere we both wanted? why does it have to happen this way? Excuse me while I go cry my eyes out, k thanx.

So many choices
So little time
Blink just once
And I'll fall behind

Should I stay?
Or should I go?
Stay with my friends?
What about my beau?

The Jersey Shore?
The city of Buffalo?
500 miles apart
I can't take it anynmore

I hate the shore
But I love my wife
Withouut her
I wouldn't have a life

So I'm left with this decision
As I lay my head
I don't want to do this
I wish I were 5 instead...

Yeah IT is. What's IT you might ask? Well you figure it out reader, why do I have to explain everything to you? So anyway. What is there to talk about? Nothing really. This is all a part of the process. My long drawn out plan for world domination. Thats right I said it world domination. See reader I'm at a void now. This will be the second time I quote GroundHog Day, the movie, Bill Murray makes an attempt after an attempt after an attempt. I'm done caring about this world. I'm dont caring about people. I'm just done caring. I'm basically just stringing myself along. Stuck in a mortal body with no soul. Just stuck, just like my first ever LJ journal says, Welcome to my purgatory. Filled with setbacks, heartache and pain. Take it as a torture phase if you will. Last night I snapped. Now when I say "snapped" I don't mean I went crazy, but whatever controls the way we care or feel about things in our head is now shut off in my head. I just don't care. I don't feel like anyone else cares so why should I? I'm tired of trying my best, and getting shut down, I'm tired of trying to be a good friend and failing miserably, I'm tired of having everything I care about taken away from me, I'm tired of praying to god and he not answering? What is the point reader? Wheat is the fucking point? I'm losing my faith, I've lost my patience, I've lost my mind a long time ago, what else do I have? Sure family and friends, but how much longer until I end up pushing away, how much longer until they just write me off as a depressed person, who will just end up killing herself?, how much longer until everything just fades to black? How much longer? Well reader, not that much long at all. I can sense it, I can feel it. I can taste it. I can taste the metallic flavor of my blood, I can feel the sweat dripping from my body, As I tried to escape it. Yeah I did try. I tried very hard reader. I did. I went through things that no one person should have to go through. I tried my hardest to not let it get to me. I tried to understand myself and my pain. but I couldn't I couldn't break the cycle. I tried to just calm down and just take it slow and get through it; but I couldn't. So now what? Look at me. I'm disgusting on the inside and out. I've transformed into a monster. I don't know me anymore, and you don't know me anymore either reader. Meghan was here last night, but now she's gone. That fun, caring compassionate girl that I once knew, and loved, is now gone. I'm on my own. Will I ever get her back? I don't know, but reader, she ran away. She couldn't take them blame anymore...and could you blame her? I can I understand her pain, I can understand her heartache. What do i do now? What do I say now? She's gone. I'll miss her.

_051890010109

Music Selection_____________________________
_{In My World I had a Marigold Under The Bridge. It was Pitiful how I was Running Away to the Soldier's Side, but he was Breaking The Girl on the Plateau with Pennyroyal Tea, which turned her into Doll Parts.}




checklist_____________________________

_{Cord...check
Candy...check
Phone...check
Journal...check
A&P kit...check
Advil...check
Abilify...check
Fluoxetine...check
Trazodone...Uncheck (i dont have anymore)
Pen...Check
Radio...check}

_{any last words?}




7:31 PM - 2009-31-10

oh boy, i've been waiting for this! oh yes i have!

am i gonna say anything here?

no of course not!

why?

because im writing everything down in my physical journal, just in case, you know?

sorry reader

how about you enjoy a website thing about drugs instead, mmkay?

http://www.gurl.com/findout/guides/articles/0,,700466,00.html

there you go..

_{happy halloween!}

Made the toast,
Burnt the eggs,
Never got the hang of them,
Just another other day.

Caught the bus,
Forgot the change,
Looks like I'll be late again,
Hopefully they won't complain.

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose

Went to work,
Saw you there,
But you never seem to care,
For a single thing I say.

I set the clock and went to sleep,
This anxiety I keep,
Through another fucking day.

(Looks like that's all today i'm dying)

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose.

My life's so pitiful..



i love this song....hmm feelings? pretty much ready for the whole candy dish...ill debate on it though.

heart .... pounding
vision .... blurry
sense of touch .... gone

this cant be happening..not now, not when theres a test tomorrow...please god..no

i made this mistake before, i've repeated it.

god please

whats happening?

why is it happening?

i spent 12 minutes today

crying to her...my mother

i spent a hour hour talking to jeep jeep

he cares

best friend number 1 understands

but something they all dont understand

is this

....

my hearing is going

whats going on?

the music is drowning out

the speaker light is on

the volume is all the way up

i cant hear anything

i cant hear myself think.

my backup plan is in my pocket

38 different pills

ill save it for tomorrow

....

i still cant hear

whats going on?

someone help?

Oh yes yes, part 4. You know I've never really reached part 4. Part 3 usually does me in, it usually heals me and takes care of me, but now, I see that this time....well this time is just different.

idk what else to say.

for the first time in a long while.... I'm speechless

Bottled Rage is still in effect

today is part 3

this is all a part of the process i've been working on

I know this is going to work

I feel it

it has to work

whether or not i'll have to do part 4 tomoorw night will depend on how tonight goes

well let's see.

I'm tired of it
I'm sick of it
I'm running out of options
I'm running out of hope
I'm ready
the end.

As I walked up to my house after being dropped off by associate b today, I had deja vu. It seemed like 3 nights. The night Kristina died, the night Amanda died and the night I got taken away to soch. The air was crisp and I could smell burning wood. It was chilly. Imagine the feeling of all of those nights rushing it at once. It blew through me like a wind. What do I do now? I've been thinking of ways to do it all day. None of them logical, some retarded, some might actually work. One of them involves getting someone with a vehicle that has a sun roof to be willing, or I could just not tell them my intentions. My body is weak. I havent eaten, I dont have the immunity to deal with the shit i must take. What do I do now? Get creative? Just go to sleep, push one of my plans through? I don't know. Right now system of a down is playing. byob just went off, now revenga, any music by system of a down either upsets me or makes me angry. So i'm being influenced to do something stupid right now, but that dosent mean I have to follow through...or does it?

I am reader. I've been having non stop panic attacks and they have been worse then usual. I had one while best friend number 1 was here, because i started freaking out over my workload. I felt myself slip out for a minute or two. It might have been longer than that, all I know is I woke up to Best friend number 1 over me asking me to tell her where I was. I remember when I slipped out when I got into the accident. I don't know how long I was out but when I did wake up I didn't know where I was or what happened, all I know is that there was something on my face. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was Best friend number 1 and her mom. When I saw them my first thought was "What am I doing at her house and why did I fall asleep in my car?" I fucking wish it were that simple, I fucking wish that happened, reader..old feelinga are arising, i'm guessing I have two options. Provoke a panic attack, and since theyve been getting worse just hope i'll slip out, or take something. iunno.

Oh yes here we go again...what am I talking about well only 3 people know, him me and her, I plan to keep it that way for a little bit, just to see how things blow over. So overall how do I feel? Eh idk. Not any different, not any happier like most people feel, it's just whatever. So today in school was brutal. after doing nothing for three days straight I have to play catach up now with my studying. I havent been going to my chem lecture, because I don't learn anything there, plus the teacher posts the slides online, and its just a midterm and final in that class. So I'll see how I do on the midterm if I fail, I'm just going to drop the class and just be happy with the C+ I got before. So now what? iunno, i'm not doing anywork until after I had a nap. I'm bored. I also want eggs. Eh fuck typing. fuck life lol, not really but yeah.

Well I'm finally home unfortunately. I cried leaving this morning because I was getting yanked out of my perfect place. I've seen amazing things, I've met cool people, and overall, I basically know where a part of my future is going to take place, I've already decided on that. Idk this whole moving thing. A certain person told me they wanted to move up there with me, and I don't know what to think of that i'm speechless, idk, I should be going to bed soon, I have school tomorrow..but hey listen reader...there is only one thing i missed,besides people....wawa....lol night <3

So I'm feeling much better today. I have the sniffles from being in all that damn water at the falls but yeah whatever it's all good. I',m here sipping on some tea to remedy that. I don't miss home. I cried last night because I didn't want to leave. I leave tomorrow in the morning. I'm devastated. So today I asked my mom to take me to North Campus. I want to go to the Commons. After I'm done here, Im going to go back on UB's website and look at what kind of clubs they have just because I'm interested. I'm not sure if my mother will let me transfer for the spring semester. I haven't talked about it to her yet but I did talk about coming here for winter break and I am. I can't wait for that. I figured I need to be up here in the coldest months so I can get used to it and the snow and all. So what now? hmm I don't know. Everything is chill. Today we're going to the laser tag place called lasertron. I'm ready to kick ass. Yeah, I don't really feel like typing anymore. I'll type later.

It's 7:30... So lets see what did I do today? Went shopping, got some boots, pretty boots that i'm in love with. Then when we got back from that we chilled a little then went to Lasertron. My team won. Go Red Team!!! Fuck yeah! hmmm. what else? Also went go kart racing. I could see myself doing laser tag weekly to get excercise. I'm gonna sit and talk with my mom about moving here spring semester. Shes reluctant about it, and about letting me stay for winter break if I stay at OCC. Why is she reluctant? Because apparently I help watch Jennifer. When you think about it i'm never home and when I am home She's at her fathers house so what the fuck, seriously? Idk. I just got back from the north campus. I just drove around it. And from what I saw it's amazing. My concern is that it's so big, and I wont be living on campus so how can I make friends :-/ I'm not really much of a social butterfly anymore, maybe if I join clubs? I keep forgetting to look at the clubs. I will soon, lol! Either way, I wanna be here. It feels right. It feels like i'm a puzzle piece, and i have a hunch that I'm gonna fit right in. I DO NOT want to go home tomorrow. no no no no no. If I could just forget about new jersey I would. fuck it to hell. It's gay. So what now? I'm about to watch the amazing race and then i dont know what im going to do. Lol, probably think about how i'm decorating the upstairs. or job search here. Yeah we'll see.

Soos it's 11 am...yea I slept for like 3 hours and couldnt fall back to sleep, so I listened to some stars then tried to do some homework. YES reader, I did bring school work! why? i have no idea. I don't know. I needed a vacation and im as stupid enough to bring school work, but you know what fuck it, im only going to do my math shit...60 long problems due by thurs, other than that, fuck it. I need a break, am I right? Yes I am, I'm always right, lol, just kidding or am i? So i'm in the kitchen of the apartment now, looking out the window, and I feel inspired to write. The house is on a nice street. Houses close together, but millions of trees :) Yay for breathing. Before I came in here to the kitchen I went on the balcony. I thought my brother would have been out there smoking a cigarette, I guess not. I don't know where he is actually, he was sleeping in the room that I would make the lounge, but his bed is empty and there's no sight of him. It's like he managed to float into thin air, like the kind of sparkle dust that drag queens use on their hair. I want so badly to go downstairs break into the apartment and bother my mother. Why? I have no idea. So where was I? Oh yeah the apartment. I like it ...ok...I love it. I've thought of so many ways already to decorate it and blah blah blah, you know how that goes. So I might walk to UB later to check out the campus depending on what the schedule is because as of now, my mother hasnt told me what were doing, as far as the order. All I know is sometime over these days I'm going to play laser tag and I'm going to a haunted house and I just assumed i was going to UB. I want some pop... Yes yes reader, the canadian dialect spills over into this town. You can't imagine how excited I was when I saw the word "pop" at the rest areas. Speaking of which, the rest areas are kick ass. Tim Hortons (dunkin donuts) is awesome, They have amazingly strong iced coffee that I love, but lets face it I will always be a starbucks girl...I didnt learn the lingo for nothing. Reader do you see whats happening? I'm writing differently. Everything feels so different here. It's refreshing. It makes me hate New Jersey so much more. If I could put this feeling down into words I would, but unfortunately I can't.... Jennifer just walked in thats my que to go sdownstairs, lol, apparently shes making breakfast. wow, all this writing and the day hasnt even started, I love it....


It's 2pm I'm waiting for everyone else to get ready. We're going to Niagra Falls soon. Beau went to work. My brother and I walked around down main street to get a feel for everything that was in walking distance. It's really cool. Theres tons of places to go eat and shop and yea. The 1 campus that i've been on, south campus, is really big, but apparently north campus is three times the size of it. My mother is taking my over there to see it. So apparently "I haven't seen nothin' yet" well we'll see what happens. I hate waiting around for people. I had a modd swing. Despite how nice everything is, I still feel like theres something wrong. I can't quite pin point what though. Hmmm. Oh well probabaly nothing. I wanna keep typing, but I'm less aspired now. I don't know. Hmm. I think I just need to go out and see the town? get a passport, go to toronto? Apparently Beau says it's as fun as you'd think it is and more. So thats cool. I just, idk, the whole thing with transfering here. I'd be leaving the things and people that I care about most. 7 fucking hours away... I'm not sure if I can handle it to be honest. I mean I guess this is what I get for tricking myself into thinking everything was going to go according to plan, that everything was going to be picture pefect like I planned it to be. I don't know, maybe I should just stop typing before this turns into a totally depressing entry.. yeah. I'll type when I get back from the falls, and from wherever else were going because i'm sure its not the only place were going to today, yep, yup, yeah.

it's 7 pm. Back at the house. I'm not in the greatest mood. I feel very very tired. I might go upstairs and lay down. I feel uneasy because I feel like i'm supposed to be living here instead of going back to NJ. I talked to best friend number 2 about the whole moving thing, and she made me realize that I can move, and should move. So now that I've gotten that to click in my head, I can focus on really doing this. I want to. I'm ready for a change. I havent gone to the north campus yet. Which is where my pharmacy school is. i need to visit there, but i'm pretty sure, I'm gonna like it. I'm in beaus living room instead of the one upstairs. Everyone is in here. I feel like crying. I'm not sure why. I think just becasue I realize what I need to do dosen't mean that I'm ready emoitionally, because i'm not. So now what? I feel empty. I'm not sure why...I should take my meds. Thatll knock me out. I don't know. I'm about to do some research about the city a little more. Yeah. I think I might go out on the balcony and just sit. Maybe the stars are out. I hope they are. That would be nice.

What a friggin day. Live journal is down so im just typing this up to fb then transfering. Sooo Im here in the apartment on the floor, sippin on a smirnoff passionfruit and just being chill. it's 5 in the morning! soo what happened? We started out good but then the gps dropped in the car, making it re route to home, pulled over to get gas and if I didnt say anything we would have not made it to amherst. Hooray for not being geographically challenged...take that pyro... so anyways, we started going the right way again, but my cousin and i got too tired to drive, and we dont trust my brother driving, so my mother and her beau had to come to our rescue, beau drove moms car, mom drove cousins car, and the rest is history. I had a good conversation with beau about things that he knew would spark my intrest, nirvana, stars, canada, ways to get into canada and not be stopped, he even encouraged me to go to a strip club, long, long story. In other words, it's only been an hour or two since I been in this town and I want to fucking live here already. Speaking of live...the apartment. OK all of you know that you know it's a big deal for me...beau basically offered it again, went through the whole house as if he were selling it to me...and i love it. It's the perfect size, it has the perfect architectual features...it's just perfect. Its like a blank canvas. I look in the hallway and the first thought i had of is painting one side black...one side purple...and attaching handcuffs and feather boas...Sound familiar? Truth is no matter where I go, i'm always reminded of the possibility that you might not be here with me....also sad that youre not here now...it's hard... i cant control my thoughts...this hurts......

well off to finish my alcohol then bed..tomorrow...or today rather is filled with god knows what...

Yea, I was left hanging this morning....

anyway, im all packed, for our trip to Amherst to see the area and my mom. best friend number 1 & 2 arent going, and im really sad. Meh. Being reminded of that makes me not want to write. I miss jeep Jeep a lot and I actually want to have a conversation on the phone with his. I miss his voice. Idk. Today was a pretty chill day, nothing to major, Oh i drew a picture of an ejaculating magical penis in anatomy by accident. I'll get that picture up here as soon as I can. hmm what else. Biggest worries or annoyances? future plans with certain people, they know who they are, ive said enough.

So I got my police report and I am not at fault... I got lucky. No tickets, no nothing. Away clean...so clean without a car. I guess it's time for a new Margarita anyway, the other one had alot of problems with it. Whatever car I get nest, I hereby swear that I'm going to take extraordinary care of it. I will not be a totally agressive driver, and definitely will not ride peoples ass anymore...even though I was working on not doing that, just that morning I was pissed off and just wanted to get to school.

speaking of which...how the fuck am I supposed to survive school? lol I'm drowning here!

idk. I'm about to go into a depression. I can feel it. idk. I feel like oding..

Yea, I am letting go tonight. but before I get into that lets hear about the day...

school- chem lecture was cancelled, not like I was going anyway, went to lab it was fine. Doing ok in the class so far, scared because we only have a midterm and a final and the lab shit and that it, so I cant fuck up. pysch, got a 72 on the test, so im not gonna drop it. Anatomy, idk, i dont think I failed, but I dont think I did great either, im expecting a D. should of did the extra credit, im dumb. umm what else? Thats it. school as a whole is overwhelming and makes me wanna use my scapel on myself, but enough of that....

so my feeling? is still "As I". Why? I don't know. Not so much the words but just the mood and tone I guess. So tonight I'm letting go...why? because quite frankly i'm tired of all the bullshit i must deal with day in and day out. I feel that the people I thought understood me, don't have a clue at all. I feel like i'm a waste. I feel insignificant. So easy to slip into an acoma, no one will notice...yea...no one will.